Friday, July 24, 2009

Freeloading Fetuses

As I sit here in jail, I have a lot of time to think about issues of great importance. I am grateful for all the many magazine subscriptions that my followers have bought for me (Guns and Jesus Week, RaptureWatch, the Journal of Scrying and Leeches, Time) so that I may continue my vigilant watch for the upcoming Rapture.

One of my favorites sources of information has to be the anti-abortion Baby Killer Monthly. It is full of useful tips on how to harass clinics and curtail a woman's right to choose. I especially enjoyed the interview with Rep. John Adams of Ohio, who is proposing that a woman can be barred from getting an abortion without the permission of a man.

While reading the interview, Jesus spoke to me and made me realize that fetuses are being coddled in America. Instead of having to pay their own way, we are treating them like welfare cheats and allowing them to sneak into movies, onto public transportation, into sporting events, etc. WITHOUT PAYING.

It is already a scientific FACT that fetuses are persons - for the anti-abortion movement, conservative legislators and Jesus tell us so. And the courts are slowly making the same realization. Fetuses are thinking beings already quite capable of influencing the decisions of the women who carry them.

In fact, fetuses are using their cute looks and supposed "helplessness" to corrupt their mothers. I am certain that ultrasound is a tool the Devil uses to manipulate women into committing crime! It is bad enough that pregnant women think it is acceptable for their fetuses to accompany them to R and NC-17 rated films. Do they not realize the perversion and depravity which they are exposing their children to? To me, it is child abuse.

But I am much more bothered and disturbed by the theft! When these women go to the movies, do they pay an additional admission for their fetus? No!

Do we need to brand THOU SHALT NOT STEAL into the hides of women like we did in medieval times?

Movie theaters are losing money, and I place the blame squarely on fetuses and their accomplices, the pregnant women who carry them. Back when I was able to see movies (before I became a political prisoner), ushers would regularly walk up and down the aisles with a flashlight, looking for patrons trying to record films or unmarried couples engaging in immoral activities like holding hands.

If the MPAA is really concerned about theft, they should start cracking down on these young cheats. I suggest that fetuses be charged the same price for a movie ticket as senior citizens, and likewise with public transportation (though I believe that Jesus is firmly against any kind of mass transit system).

I urge all Republican and anti-abortion leaders to insist that we make honest citizens of our nation's fetus-citizens by mandating admission fees for them.

Here is a list of places where freeloading fetuses are corrupting our nation. Please feel free to add your own examples in the comments section.
  • Sporting events
  • Mechanical bulls
  • Movies and plays
  • Public transportation (busses, airplanes, trains)
  • Amusement parks
  • Shooting ranges
  • Zoos
  • All you can eat buffets

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beware Healthcare!

Jesus came to me last night in a dream, and told me that I need to speak out against the healthcare bill currently being debated in Congress.

According to Jesus, if the Democrats are able to pass this bill, it will have very dire consequences for our nation! If fact, if I read my Leviticus properly, it will be one of the early signs of Armageddon ("FOR God wept at the sight of so many healthy people with access to MRIs")

Our heavenly father did not want his people to have access to health care, otherwise, why would He have created the plague? Measles, leprosy and swine flu are so obviously part of his greater plan for humanity – something we should never question! We should be grateful for such a wide variety of disease, and not waste our efforts on trying to cure the sick!

Now I know some smart mouth is going to bring up in the comments that Jesus himself cured the sick and helped the lame to walk. But what the Bible leaves out (lack of space, most assuredly) is that Jesus charged mightily for his miracles. By today's standards, our saviour would have charged somewhere around $232,569.00 to heal the blind. More if the patient needed to stay overnight or eat.

Trust me and Jesus, if healthcare passes, you and everyone that you love will DIE... someday.