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Alert! Witch Coven forming in So. CA!!!

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been tracking penis snatching reports for many years now, as they are a sure sign that there are witches present. From my research, I can now conclude that these voracious witches will arrive in Hemet, CA next Thursday, noonish.

I only hope that Pastor Muthee, Sarah Palin's spiritual guide, can mount the offensive and hunt these witches down. If I were not currently a political prisoner, I would go down and kill all the witches myself, but since I am unavailable, I leave it in Pastor Muthee's hands. 

Any crimes or acts of black magic committed in Hemet, CA from here on out will be his sole responsibility.

Burn Witches Now, Ask Me How!

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently gave credit for her meteoric political rise to Pastor Thomas Muthee, who has saved a Kenyan town from witchcraft and sorcery. Through prayer and spiritual warfare, they drove out Mama Jane, a local witch (see the powerful video here). Pastor Muthee then did the same thing in other towns around the world, including Hemet, CA. 

Unfortunately, I suspect the sinister Mama Jane has now moved to Hemet, CA! Crime statistics for the town back this up. Back in 2000, when I was officiating mass gay weddings in my mobile chapel, I visited Hemet, and had many problems with vandals breaking into my chapel and stealing my wine.  Since the spiritual war in Hemet is not nearly complete, I call on Pastor Muthee to begin a house to house search in Hemet for Mama Jane and her familiars. 

I first realized Mama Jane was making her move when tracking a series of cases where men had claimed that witches had made their manhood disappear. At first, the pattern of penis snatching seemed random, but after plotting it out on a map, it became clear that Mama Jane was in the process of relocating her coven...to Hemet, CA!

At this precarious time for the residents of Hemet, Rev. Hugh would like to extend a special offer to the suffering citizens of this town - 5% off on the purchase of Rev. Hugh's improved Witch Removal Kit.  Due to the high price of gasoline, we've made some changes to the formula to bring you the most economical Witch Removal Kit on the market! We've had nothing but positive feedback on the original kit, but in rare occasions, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit had a tendency to explode when left out in the sun.  

The improved version is just as flammable, but instead of using expensive gasoline or heating oil, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit now contains a highly powerful poultice, which we have had to trademark due to its effectiveness. A combination of canola oil, flour, and eleven different ungents and spices, spiritual warriors simply need to apply the oil to the witch, then roll that sorcerer in the flour and the patented ungent mixture. After that, it's as simple as lighting a match,  or placing the witch in a cauldron of boiling oil! 

Order now while supplies last!

Announcing the Most Revolutionary BJ Service Ever.

On Rev. Hugh's Facebook page, I recently mentioned that with close and proper reading, the Bible predicted the mortgage industry collapse. It's true, I have been warning about this for years, but the liberal media has turned a deaf ear because of all the advertising dollars they receive from "Big Mortgage". But I'm getting off track.

The truth is, almost anything can be found in the Bible - from predictions about calamity to the rise of Satan in the form of a humble seal trainer. Of course, this requires an intimate familiarity with each page and verse, and a sharp mind - such as my own - skilled in biblical interpretation and justification. 

In my years of study, I have found passages that would make it seem like any virtuous Christian would, or rather, should abandon his mother-in-law in the middle of the night on a deserted stretch of highway in the Florida Everglades. Bleeding. 

There are Biblical verses that permit a Christian to feed whiskey to an infant, assault a woman for wearing pants, bilk consumers out of millions in retirement savings, and eat rib eye steak for breakfast with a spoon. I have all this useful knowledge at the tip of my fingertips, and now I am offering you an opportunity to benefit from my encyclopedic brain and idle hands as I serve out the remainder of my sentence as a mistreated political prisoner.

For just $39.99 a month, Rev. Hugh's Bibilical Justification Service (BJS) will provide you with the most timely, and iron-clad reasons why you can or cannot do something or nothing. Past examples of my work include: 

• Finding verses that support war with Iran, Iraq and/or Malta
  
• Reasons why giving women the right to equal pay is un-Christian
  
• Sixteen justifications for overstating losses on tax documents when filing your annual earnings report on overseas investments (also in Leviticus).
  
• And more!
  

And if you are one of the first thousand subscribers, I will also throw in a special bonus gift. I have personally discovered twenty five brand new biblically-biased justifications which support discrimination against the Irish when renting carpeted apartments. 

Act now. Please.

Wake Up America!

Since I've been in prison these past four years, I haven't been keeping up much with the news. I'm sure George W. Bush is triumphantly finishing his last term, stuffed with noble accomplishments. And I'm sure that John McCain will be an able president in these times of peace and prosperity. 

But I've been reading some nonsense about this Vice Presidential Sarah Palin woman and her church, Wasalia Assembly of God. Now I'm confident that Palin has been thoroughly vetted by McCain and the Republicans, and they've been through everything but her underwear drawer, but it bothers me that she belongs to such a loony church. 

Let me explain. According to this article in Raw Story (I was trying to root out sin, and was completely thrown by the URL), Palin's church believes that the world's refuge after Armageddon will be in Alaska! At first, I thought they were joking, or trying to throw post-Armageddon mutants off their trail, but now I think they truly believe it. 

Of course, anyone with an advanced Doctorate in Biblical Interpretation will tell you that the REAL location of the post-Apocalyptic refuge will be in Nevada. Heck, I built my Spiritual Bunkers in an undisclosed, secret location in the desert there for a reason! After the last great war, as foretold in the Bible, it will be hard to breathe the air, as the sky will probably still be on fire. So of course, men will have to live under the Earth for a few hundred years. Alaska's ground is permanently frozen, so how will humans tunnel? 

If you see Sarah Palin campaigning around this great land, you ask her for Rev. Hugh. Ask her, "Sarah, many scientists and biblical scholars disagree with your church's view that Alaska, and not Nevada, will be a post-Apocalyptic refuge, and if this preposterous theory is true, how do you expect humans to tunnel in frozen Alaskan soil? 

Let's see what she has to say...

My First Post

Hello, this is Rev. Hugh. 

My anger management counselor suggested that I start to examine my mistakes, and why I am currently incarcerated as a political prisoner. He says that I need to take a hard look at my life, even though I am innocent. As a result, I have permission from Dr. Reynolds to get access to the computer after lunch. To sort through my personal problems, I decided to start a blog and prove how contrite I am. 

ONCE AND FOR ALL let me state for the record that my Miracle Salve killed no one!!!! Rocco Jones doesn't count since he was technically only dead four minutes. His collapse the next day was completely unrelated, I assure you. The doctor doing the autopsy did state that the tumor was completely gone from his head.

I plan to post some of the "Best Of" moments of my ministry so that all my many fans can see that even though I am unjustly accused, and in a dark and lonely place, my spirits are still high, and I am still working on my goal of world domination. 

I had another one of my Extra Strength Visions last night, and I believe that God has told me to start up a Christian weather forecasting business when I am out of prison. I have been practicing out in the yard, and Tiny says I am a real pro. In the meantime, I am reading all about weather on the wikipedia.

My last television project, Rev. Hugh Pokrit's The Power of Change Ministry, was canceled due to my arrest. Here is a video of the trailer. If you pay close attention, you will be humbled by my spiritual and magnetic video presence.