Burn Witches Now, Ask Me How!

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently gave credit for her meteoric political rise to Pastor Thomas Muthee, who has saved a Kenyan town from witchcraft and sorcery. Through prayer and spiritual warfare, they drove out Mama Jane, a local witch (see the powerful video here). Pastor Muthee then did the same thing in other towns around the world, including Hemet, CA. 

Unfortunately, I suspect the sinister Mama Jane has now moved to Hemet, CA! Crime statistics for the town back this up. Back in 2000, when I was officiating mass gay weddings in my mobile chapel, I visited Hemet, and had many problems with vandals breaking into my chapel and stealing my wine.  Since the spiritual war in Hemet is not nearly complete, I call on Pastor Muthee to begin a house to house search in Hemet for Mama Jane and her familiars. 

I first realized Mama Jane was making her move when tracking a series of cases where men had claimed that witches had made their manhood disappear. At first, the pattern of penis snatching seemed random, but after plotting it out on a map, it became clear that Mama Jane was in the process of relocating her coven...to Hemet, CA!

At this precarious time for the residents of Hemet, Rev. Hugh would like to extend a special offer to the suffering citizens of this town - 5% off on the purchase of Rev. Hugh's improved Witch Removal Kit.  Due to the high price of gasoline, we've made some changes to the formula to bring you the most economical Witch Removal Kit on the market! We've had nothing but positive feedback on the original kit, but in rare occasions, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit had a tendency to explode when left out in the sun.  

The improved version is just as flammable, but instead of using expensive gasoline or heating oil, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit now contains a highly powerful poultice, which we have had to trademark due to its effectiveness. A combination of canola oil, flour, and eleven different ungents and spices, spiritual warriors simply need to apply the oil to the witch, then roll that sorcerer in the flour and the patented ungent mixture. After that, it's as simple as lighting a match,  or placing the witch in a cauldron of boiling oil! 

Order now while supplies last!

Wake Up America!

Since I've been in prison these past four years, I haven't been keeping up much with the news. I'm sure George W. Bush is triumphantly finishing his last term, stuffed with noble accomplishments. And I'm sure that John McCain will be an able president in these times of peace and prosperity. 

But I've been reading some nonsense about this Vice Presidential Sarah Palin woman and her church, Wasalia Assembly of God. Now I'm confident that Palin has been thoroughly vetted by McCain and the Republicans, and they've been through everything but her underwear drawer, but it bothers me that she belongs to such a loony church. 

Let me explain. According to this article in Raw Story (I was trying to root out sin, and was completely thrown by the URL), Palin's church believes that the world's refuge after Armageddon will be in Alaska! At first, I thought they were joking, or trying to throw post-Armageddon mutants off their trail, but now I think they truly believe it. 

Of course, anyone with an advanced Doctorate in Biblical Interpretation will tell you that the REAL location of the post-Apocalyptic refuge will be in Nevada. Heck, I built my Spiritual Bunkers in an undisclosed, secret location in the desert there for a reason! After the last great war, as foretold in the Bible, it will be hard to breathe the air, as the sky will probably still be on fire. So of course, men will have to live under the Earth for a few hundred years. Alaska's ground is permanently frozen, so how will humans tunnel? 

If you see Sarah Palin campaigning around this great land, you ask her for Rev. Hugh. Ask her, "Sarah, many scientists and biblical scholars disagree with your church's view that Alaska, and not Nevada, will be a post-Apocalyptic refuge, and if this preposterous theory is true, how do you expect humans to tunnel in frozen Alaskan soil? 

Let's see what she has to say...