Friday, July 24, 2009

Freeloading Fetuses

As I sit here in jail, I have a lot of time to think about issues of great importance. I am grateful for all the many magazine subscriptions that my followers have bought for me (Guns and Jesus Week, RaptureWatch, the Journal of Scrying and Leeches, Time) so that I may continue my vigilant watch for the upcoming Rapture.

One of my favorites sources of information has to be the anti-abortion Baby Killer Monthly. It is full of useful tips on how to harass clinics and curtail a woman's right to choose. I especially enjoyed the interview with Rep. John Adams of Ohio, who is proposing that a woman can be barred from getting an abortion without the permission of a man.

While reading the interview, Jesus spoke to me and made me realize that fetuses are being coddled in America. Instead of having to pay their own way, we are treating them like welfare cheats and allowing them to sneak into movies, onto public transportation, into sporting events, etc. WITHOUT PAYING.

It is already a scientific FACT that fetuses are persons - for the anti-abortion movement, conservative legislators and Jesus tell us so. And the courts are slowly making the same realization. Fetuses are thinking beings already quite capable of influencing the decisions of the women who carry them.

In fact, fetuses are using their cute looks and supposed "helplessness" to corrupt their mothers. I am certain that ultrasound is a tool the Devil uses to manipulate women into committing crime! It is bad enough that pregnant women think it is acceptable for their fetuses to accompany them to R and NC-17 rated films. Do they not realize the perversion and depravity which they are exposing their children to? To me, it is child abuse.

But I am much more bothered and disturbed by the theft! When these women go to the movies, do they pay an additional admission for their fetus? No!

Do we need to brand THOU SHALT NOT STEAL into the hides of women like we did in medieval times?

Movie theaters are losing money, and I place the blame squarely on fetuses and their accomplices, the pregnant women who carry them. Back when I was able to see movies (before I became a political prisoner), ushers would regularly walk up and down the aisles with a flashlight, looking for patrons trying to record films or unmarried couples engaging in immoral activities like holding hands.

If the MPAA is really concerned about theft, they should start cracking down on these young cheats. I suggest that fetuses be charged the same price for a movie ticket as senior citizens, and likewise with public transportation (though I believe that Jesus is firmly against any kind of mass transit system).

I urge all Republican and anti-abortion leaders to insist that we make honest citizens of our nation's fetus-citizens by mandating admission fees for them.

Here is a list of places where freeloading fetuses are corrupting our nation. Please feel free to add your own examples in the comments section.
  • Sporting events
  • Mechanical bulls
  • Movies and plays
  • Public transportation (busses, airplanes, trains)
  • Amusement parks
  • Shooting ranges
  • Zoos
  • All you can eat buffets

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beware Healthcare!

Jesus came to me last night in a dream, and told me that I need to speak out against the healthcare bill currently being debated in Congress.

According to Jesus, if the Democrats are able to pass this bill, it will have very dire consequences for our nation! If fact, if I read my Leviticus properly, it will be one of the early signs of Armageddon ("FOR God wept at the sight of so many healthy people with access to MRIs")

Our heavenly father did not want his people to have access to health care, otherwise, why would He have created the plague? Measles, leprosy and swine flu are so obviously part of his greater plan for humanity – something we should never question! We should be grateful for such a wide variety of disease, and not waste our efforts on trying to cure the sick!

Now I know some smart mouth is going to bring up in the comments that Jesus himself cured the sick and helped the lame to walk. But what the Bible leaves out (lack of space, most assuredly) is that Jesus charged mightily for his miracles. By today's standards, our saviour would have charged somewhere around $232,569.00 to heal the blind. More if the patient needed to stay overnight or eat.

Trust me and Jesus, if healthcare passes, you and everyone that you love will DIE... someday.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Help Me Help You!

Buy a Free Rev. Hugh t-shirt from Cafe Press. Do you really have a choice?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Alert! Witch Coven forming in So. CA!!!

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been tracking penis snatching reports for many years now, as they are a sure sign that there are witches present. From my research, I can now conclude that these voracious witches will arrive in Hemet, CA next Thursday, noonish.

I only hope that Pastor Muthee, Sarah Palin's spiritual guide, can mount the offensive and hunt these witches down. If I were not currently a political prisoner, I would go down and kill all the witches myself, but since I am unavailable, I leave it in Pastor Muthee's hands. 

Any crimes or acts of black magic committed in Hemet, CA from here on out will be his sole responsibility.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Burn Witches Now, Ask Me How!

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently gave credit for her meteoric political rise to Pastor Thomas Muthee, who has saved a Kenyan town from witchcraft and sorcery. Through prayer and spiritual warfare, they drove out Mama Jane, a local witch (see the powerful video here). Pastor Muthee then did the same thing in other towns around the world, including Hemet, CA. 

Unfortunately, I suspect the sinister Mama Jane has now moved to Hemet, CA! Crime statistics for the town back this up. Back in 2000, when I was officiating mass gay weddings in my mobile chapel, I visited Hemet, and had many problems with vandals breaking into my chapel and stealing my wine.  Since the spiritual war in Hemet is not nearly complete, I call on Pastor Muthee to begin a house to house search in Hemet for Mama Jane and her familiars. 

I first realized Mama Jane was making her move when tracking a series of cases where men had claimed that witches had made their manhood disappear. At first, the pattern of penis snatching seemed random, but after plotting it out on a map, it became clear that Mama Jane was in the process of relocating her Hemet, CA!

At this precarious time for the residents of Hemet, Rev. Hugh would like to extend a special offer to the suffering citizens of this town - 5% off on the purchase of Rev. Hugh's improved Witch Removal Kit.  Due to the high price of gasoline, we've made some changes to the formula to bring you the most economical Witch Removal Kit on the market! We've had nothing but positive feedback on the original kit, but in rare occasions, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit had a tendency to explode when left out in the sun.  

The improved version is just as flammable, but instead of using expensive gasoline or heating oil, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit now contains a highly powerful poultice, which we have had to trademark due to its effectiveness. A combination of canola oil, flour, and eleven different ungents and spices, spiritual warriors simply need to apply the oil to the witch, then roll that sorcerer in the flour and the patented ungent mixture. After that, it's as simple as lighting a match,  or placing the witch in a cauldron of boiling oil! 

Order now while supplies last!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Announcing the Most Revolutionary BJ Service Ever.

On Rev. Hugh's Facebook page, I recently mentioned that with close and proper reading, the Bible predicted the mortgage industry collapse. It's true, I have been warning about this for years, but the liberal media has turned a deaf ear because of all the advertising dollars they receive from "Big Mortgage". But I'm getting off track.

The truth is, almost anything can be found in the Bible - from predictions about calamity to the rise of Satan in the form of a humble seal trainer. Of course, this requires an intimate familiarity with each page and verse, and a sharp mind - such as my own - skilled in biblical interpretation and justification. 

In my years of study, I have found passages that would make it seem like any virtuous Christian would, or rather, should abandon his mother-in-law in the middle of the night on a deserted stretch of highway in the Florida Everglades. Bleeding. 

There are Biblical verses that permit a Christian to feed whiskey to an infant, assault a woman for wearing pants, bilk consumers out of millions in retirement savings, and eat rib eye steak for breakfast with a spoon. I have all this useful knowledge at the tip of my fingertips, and now I am offering you an opportunity to benefit from my encyclopedic brain and idle hands as I serve out the remainder of my sentence as a mistreated political prisoner.

For just $39.99 a month, Rev. Hugh's Bibilical Justification Service (BJS) will provide you with the most timely, and iron-clad reasons why you can or cannot do something or nothing. Past examples of my work include: 
  • Finding verses that support war with Iran, Iraq and/or Malta
  • Reasons why giving women the right to equal pay is un-Christian
  • Sixteen justifications for overstating losses on tax documents when filing your annual earnings report on overseas investments (also in Leviticus).
  • And more!
And if you are one of the first thousand subscribers, I will also throw in a special bonus gift. I have personally discovered twenty five brand new biblically-biased justifications which support discrimination against the Irish when renting carpeted apartments. 

Act now. Please.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Wake Up America!

Since I've been in prison these past four years, I haven't been keeping up much with the news. I'm sure George W. Bush is triumphantly finishing his last term, stuffed with noble accomplishments. And I'm sure that John McCain will be an able president in these times of peace and prosperity. 

But I've been reading some nonsense about this Vice Presidential Sarah Palin woman and her church, Wasalia Assembly of God. Now I'm confident that Palin has been thoroughly vetted by McCain and the Republicans, and they've been through everything but her underwear drawer, but it bothers me that she belongs to such a loony church. 

Let me explain. According to this article in Raw Story (I was trying to root out sin, and was completely thrown by the URL), Palin's church believes that the world's refuge after Armageddon will be in Alaska! At first, I thought they were joking, or trying to throw post-Armageddon mutants off their trail, but now I think they truly believe it. 

Of course, anyone with an advanced Doctorate in Biblical Interpretation will tell you that the REAL location of the post-Apocalyptic refuge will be in Nevada. Heck, I built my Spiritual Bunkers in an undisclosed, secret location in the desert there for a reason! After the last great war, as foretold in the Bible, it will be hard to breathe the air, as the sky will probably still be on fire. So of course, men will have to live under the Earth for a few hundred years. Alaska's ground is permanently frozen, so how will humans tunnel? 

If you see Sarah Palin campaigning around this great land, you ask her for Rev. Hugh. Ask her, "Sarah, many scientists and biblical scholars disagree with your church's view that Alaska, and not Nevada, will be a post-Apocalyptic refuge, and if this preposterous theory is true, how do you expect humans to tunnel in frozen Alaskan soil? 

Let's see what she has to say...