Burn Witches Now, Ask Me How!

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin recently gave credit for her meteoric political rise to Pastor Thomas Muthee, who has saved a Kenyan town from witchcraft and sorcery. Through prayer and spiritual warfare, they drove out Mama Jane, a local witch (see the powerful video here). Pastor Muthee then did the same thing in other towns around the world, including Hemet, CA. 

Unfortunately, I suspect the sinister Mama Jane has now moved to Hemet, CA! Crime statistics for the town back this up. Back in 2000, when I was officiating mass gay weddings in my mobile chapel, I visited Hemet, and had many problems with vandals breaking into my chapel and stealing my wine.  Since the spiritual war in Hemet is not nearly complete, I call on Pastor Muthee to begin a house to house search in Hemet for Mama Jane and her familiars. 

I first realized Mama Jane was making her move when tracking a series of cases where men had claimed that witches had made their manhood disappear. At first, the pattern of penis snatching seemed random, but after plotting it out on a map, it became clear that Mama Jane was in the process of relocating her coven...to Hemet, CA!

At this precarious time for the residents of Hemet, Rev. Hugh would like to extend a special offer to the suffering citizens of this town - 5% off on the purchase of Rev. Hugh's improved Witch Removal Kit.  Due to the high price of gasoline, we've made some changes to the formula to bring you the most economical Witch Removal Kit on the market! We've had nothing but positive feedback on the original kit, but in rare occasions, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit had a tendency to explode when left out in the sun.  

The improved version is just as flammable, but instead of using expensive gasoline or heating oil, Rev. Hugh's Witch Removal Kit now contains a highly powerful poultice, which we have had to trademark due to its effectiveness. A combination of canola oil, flour, and eleven different ungents and spices, spiritual warriors simply need to apply the oil to the witch, then roll that sorcerer in the flour and the patented ungent mixture. After that, it's as simple as lighting a match,  or placing the witch in a cauldron of boiling oil! 

Order now while supplies last!